He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Are my feet made of real feet?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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