I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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