I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize