he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
