My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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