my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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