I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
