My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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