Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
