There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
