She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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