I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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