The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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