well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
