dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
