you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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