I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Drunk is not a location!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
