Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
