I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
