Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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