Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
