I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
