Whod you bang
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
