im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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