i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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