I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize