we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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