You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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