1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so let's talk penis.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
