What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
