I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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