It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
