you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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