That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
