Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
