god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
