I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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