All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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