im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
