Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
