i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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