You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
