This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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