He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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