ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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