I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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