I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
