i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
