SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
