i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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