My liver just broke up with me...
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
