shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
