Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
