Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
