there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
