I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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