so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
